I'm fairly certain that I have anxiety problems - my heart keeps freaking out and I cannot stop thinking about things that happened almost a year ago.
I am also having nightmares about my current lover suddenly turning into a jerk and ignoring me. Because being alone, it kinda sucks once you've gotten used to having someone care about you. Even if it's just because they, too, do not want to be alone. Mutually messed up. I love it.
Trying to take some herbal pills to calm down and reduce anxiety and stress. We'll see how it goes.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Epiphany?
Last night I had completely convinced myself that I needed to go on meds in order to avoid all these hollow feelings and suicidal thoughts that have stalked me from age 16.
Then I stayed up, lying in bed, desperately searching for a reason to live. For some sort of inspiration to keep me going.
I kept coming back to the obvious: when you're dead, that's it - you stop experiencing things. And there are so many fantastic, wonderful things left to experience. I have let myself become deadened by boredom to the wonder of the world around me. The world is pretty fucking amazing.
There are beautiful scenes to see, fights to be won and lost, emotions to strangle me, foods to taste... So last night, I finally fucking decided to stop.
Stop caring so much about what people think (while embracing the fact that I am quiet and shy). Stop trying to be fucking perfect. I kinda already am the best that I can be; as long as I realise when I do something wrong and learn from it, what more can be asked of me? Stop thinking about checking out of life, as there is so much more to be tried.
Then I stayed up, lying in bed, desperately searching for a reason to live. For some sort of inspiration to keep me going.
I kept coming back to the obvious: when you're dead, that's it - you stop experiencing things. And there are so many fantastic, wonderful things left to experience. I have let myself become deadened by boredom to the wonder of the world around me. The world is pretty fucking amazing.
There are beautiful scenes to see, fights to be won and lost, emotions to strangle me, foods to taste... So last night, I finally fucking decided to stop.
Stop caring so much about what people think (while embracing the fact that I am quiet and shy). Stop trying to be fucking perfect. I kinda already am the best that I can be; as long as I realise when I do something wrong and learn from it, what more can be asked of me? Stop thinking about checking out of life, as there is so much more to be tried.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Not Caring FTW
It seems that most of my complex emotional issues/problems or just plain old feelings stem from actually giving a shit.
So not one more shit shall be given!
It's just too much effort to give a crap about what I look like, what people think of me, if I'm saying the right things, what that person feels, etc. So I'm giving up on giving a shit.
It's not like any of it has any meaning or purpose anyway.
It's been about one week so far and I already feel pretty damn mellow and a bit less stressed out. This could be due to excessive partying though. Right now I'm on painkillers for my alcohol induced headache so I'm cruising along watching Doctor Who.
P.S. I'm starting at Season 5 and working my way backwards. It seems appropriate.
So not one more shit shall be given!
It's just too much effort to give a crap about what I look like, what people think of me, if I'm saying the right things, what that person feels, etc. So I'm giving up on giving a shit.
It's not like any of it has any meaning or purpose anyway.
It's been about one week so far and I already feel pretty damn mellow and a bit less stressed out. This could be due to excessive partying though. Right now I'm on painkillers for my alcohol induced headache so I'm cruising along watching Doctor Who.
P.S. I'm starting at Season 5 and working my way backwards. It seems appropriate.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Don't Touch My Breasts
So tonight I had a friend grab one of my breasts. And no one cared.
I was given a hug from behind and then realised that one hand was firmly gripping my right breast. I removed it, firmly saying no, and stepped out from the hug.
No one else seemed to care that this had been done to me. What, has groping become acceptable and I missed the memo? Not only this but even when I brought it up later, that person said that it didn't matter, they enjoyed it. Everyone else just brushed it off.
Sorry, but my body is not there for just anyone to do with what they please. You may not touch my breasts, buttocks or genitals unless I give you permission. It is NOT acceptable to grope someone, even if you are friends.
Having a friend do this makes it even worse because if I'm not safe around friends, who am I safe around?
I was given a hug from behind and then realised that one hand was firmly gripping my right breast. I removed it, firmly saying no, and stepped out from the hug.
No one else seemed to care that this had been done to me. What, has groping become acceptable and I missed the memo? Not only this but even when I brought it up later, that person said that it didn't matter, they enjoyed it. Everyone else just brushed it off.
Sorry, but my body is not there for just anyone to do with what they please. You may not touch my breasts, buttocks or genitals unless I give you permission. It is NOT acceptable to grope someone, even if you are friends.
Having a friend do this makes it even worse because if I'm not safe around friends, who am I safe around?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Caring Sucks
The world, or at least, human society, is not doing very well.
I don't pretend to know everything about this - I only stopped being apathetic about a year and a half ago myself. And I am certain that I am the minority.
Most people don't care about poverty, racism, sexism, inequality, homophobia, the environment, human rights, diseases, education.... Or they pretend to and don't do anything; "It wouldn't make a difference anyway". They create a barrier and distance themselves from the thought of global issues, figuring that they are 'someone else's' problem, that the government or 'some kind soul' will do their share of the caring and work.
I digress.
Once you are a part of the caring minority, the people who see these problems and are angered and saddened by them and wish to do something, what CAN you do?
Again, I am only new to these horrible, worldwide, disgusting, taken-as-the-norm, things. And what have I done then? Well, last year I:
And yet.
And yet I feel that I am not doing enough. I KNOW that I am not doing enough (otherwise the world would be fixed, right?). This eats away at me every day.
So, in my long-winded way, I am asking for your help. I want advice. How do YOU deal with these feelings of guilt? What do YOU do to improve the world?
Or do you not even care?
I don't pretend to know everything about this - I only stopped being apathetic about a year and a half ago myself. And I am certain that I am the minority.
Most people don't care about poverty, racism, sexism, inequality, homophobia, the environment, human rights, diseases, education.... Or they pretend to and don't do anything; "It wouldn't make a difference anyway". They create a barrier and distance themselves from the thought of global issues, figuring that they are 'someone else's' problem, that the government or 'some kind soul' will do their share of the caring and work.
I digress.
Once you are a part of the caring minority, the people who see these problems and are angered and saddened by them and wish to do something, what CAN you do?
Again, I am only new to these horrible, worldwide, disgusting, taken-as-the-norm, things. And what have I done then? Well, last year I:
- went vegan
- contributed US$363.89 to Kiva (24 loans)
- gave $240 to the Wilderness Society
- gave $50 to Oxfam
- gave $105.60 to Uproar
- gave $11.50 to Movember
- signed numerous petitions and wrote numerous emails
- changed what I'm studying
- tried to educate myself further
And yet.
And yet I feel that I am not doing enough. I KNOW that I am not doing enough (otherwise the world would be fixed, right?). This eats away at me every day.
So, in my long-winded way, I am asking for your help. I want advice. How do YOU deal with these feelings of guilt? What do YOU do to improve the world?
Or do you not even care?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I am able to look after myself
As soon as someone says that you're looking a little thin or fat or whatever, they are implying (even if they don't realise it) that you are unable to look after yourself.
I've often been accused of being thin by family (not that they cared when I was fat even though there are more health problems). It's not a nice thing, to be told to eat more. Would you like to take over my life? Are you a doctor? A nutritionist? A nurse? Are you in any way, shape or form, qualified to make that judgement?
I guess they're just comparing me to the obese masses of this country but I still find it insulting. I've maintained the same weight for nearly 5 years and have been told I'm healthy by two different doctors, so please stop telling me what to do, I am 21 and quite capable of looking after myself.
I'm not going to ignore the fact that yes, I am going to be influenced by all the crap that television and billboards (etc) shove down my throat about the perfect body. But I think the fact that I am healthy shows I have a brain and can use it.
I've often been accused of being thin by family (not that they cared when I was fat even though there are more health problems). It's not a nice thing, to be told to eat more. Would you like to take over my life? Are you a doctor? A nutritionist? A nurse? Are you in any way, shape or form, qualified to make that judgement?
 |
| http://www.abc.net.au/health/features/stories/2004/01/15/1835482.htm |
I guess they're just comparing me to the obese masses of this country but I still find it insulting. I've maintained the same weight for nearly 5 years and have been told I'm healthy by two different doctors, so please stop telling me what to do, I am 21 and quite capable of looking after myself.
I'm not going to ignore the fact that yes, I am going to be influenced by all the crap that television and billboards (etc) shove down my throat about the perfect body. But I think the fact that I am healthy shows I have a brain and can use it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Resurrecting this blog
I've decided that this blog needs to be brought back from the grave so that I have somewhere to rant about things that annoy me or that I find interesting.
Things that annoy me include (but are not limited to) people, family, humanity, animals being killed, peoples' reactions to the way I dress and so on.
Things that I find interesting are just... There are so many I cannot even list them.
But I hope that my rantings, my craziness and my way of getting things off my chest do not scare you away. Be brave.
Just randomly, I hate how everything is 'vintage' these days >_<.
Things that annoy me include (but are not limited to) people, family, humanity, animals being killed, peoples' reactions to the way I dress and so on.
Things that I find interesting are just... There are so many I cannot even list them.
But I hope that my rantings, my craziness and my way of getting things off my chest do not scare you away. Be brave.
Just randomly, I hate how everything is 'vintage' these days >_<.
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